YEARNING FOR YESTERDAY

 

YEARNING FOR YESTERDAY


As I finished another chapter of a book I am reading, I flashed on my mother and how she once loved to read. She described that when she was a teenager she could spend hours during the summer months reading under a tree. She imagined becoming some of the fascinating characters she read about. Besides her passion for literature she also adored watching movies.

Both of these joys no longer exist in her world. She is unable to read and she cannot follow the script from any movie. All of these pleasures for her are lost due to this horrific disease- Alzheimer's.  This now makes me wonder what sort of existence she now endures.

I phone the nursing home at least 2- 4 times a day trying to either reach a nurse or perhaps catch a moment to speak with her. I usually am told that she is walking around the hallways, as she is strapped into her walker, smiling to whoever passes her by.  Is she strolling or better yet wandering from being lost and confused ?

It's hard for me not to question what sort or life this is for her. Mom knows no difference, so in her universe she probably is fine. It is I who anguise for her and wonder how she really is doing.

Perhaps for me I need to adjust to her "new" life. Mom is now in her own world, and somehow I am the one left trying to find some inner peace. As each day passes my life is moving forward and mom's life seems to be disappearing .

Intellectually speaking, I realize that life does not stand still, yet I cannot help to yearn for yesterday. It's a yearning deep inside of me to bring my mom back to being a whole person.


My Mom My Hero book is for all the special people in our lives.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.
http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1381851317&sr=1-1
 

SEARCHING MY HEART

SEARCHING MY HEART

This picture of my son Logan, my mom and my dad means the world to me. It was taken in 1990 and for me it brings back many loving memories . Life was quite different then. We were all younger and when I look at mom she was filled with so much joy, just being close to her only grandchild. Today mom has no idea that she has a grandson.

Several weeks ago I went to spend time with her at the nursing home. I also spent a part of each day with my brother going through my parents personal belongings. Dad had passed away over eighteen years ago and although all his clothes were no longer in their home, we found his navy discharge papers and love letters that he wrote to her while stationed in Trinidad.

We prepared her condo to put it up for sale, knowing that mom would never be returning. Each day my brother and I shared some touching moments as we reminisced about our childhood. Now mom has no recollection of her home of twenty seven years. This like everything else seems to have vanished from her life.

Surprisingly to me, I was able to go through the week without too many emotions taking over. I held out and after returning to New York, I did experience several days of a "melt down". I broke down and cried for both of my parents, and also searched my heart about my own mortality.

I thought of mom's new life and what may be left of it. It seems when one door closes another one opens. The people who tell me that they understand, I know that they say these words out of kindness. Yet unless they have had a loved one with Alzheimer's they cannot really understand how horrific this disease is. I too wonder how it can rob you of your entire life, as if it never existed.

Wiping away images of what my mom lives through each day, somehow helps me to be grateful for the remaining days, months or years that we still have left .Staying in the moment keeps me from drifting into darker territory, places that I am fearful to travel .  I just want to feel her warmth and smile whenever I think of her. My heart must see the sun rising each day, as I know this is what my mom would only wish for me.


This Sunday Oct 20th in NYC I will be walking for my mom, her younger brother who passed away from Alzheimer's, and for all the other families all over the world who suffer from this horrific disease.

My Mom My Hero book is for all the special people in our lives.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.
http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1381851317&sr=1-1

IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT

IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT


Since my mom moved into a nursing facility her life and mine has definitely changed. She is unable to express what she is feeling, yet I'm sure that she is wondering what is happening to her. She knows her surroundings are different and since she is still aware, I can only imagine the fear that she must  be experiencing. If there could be any good part to this horrific disease it is that whatever unhappy thoughts she has, disappear as quickly as they come.

I too have had to make some adjustments given mom's new living situation. My daily morning phone calls to her that meant the world to me, now exist in a different way. Each day at different hours I place my calls to the nursing home . I phone late in the morning hoping to catch mom between an activity or her lunch time. On other days I call after her dinner trying again, to be able to reach her. Sometimes I get lucky, and at other times I am told that she is resting in bed.

The other day she sounded so cute as she was excited to hear I was on the phone. Right after she said hello she immediately said that she would call me back, and just hung up on me. Another day, I had a magical conversation with her. We spoke as if everything was like it use to be. With tears in my eyes I shared that she was breaking my heart. Mom questioned why, and said that she did not want to  break my heart. The call was so tender and left me feeling so warm almost like I was on cloud nine.

When I get to share these sentimental phone calls with her I truly cherish them, and am grateful that they still do exist.  On the days that I am not able to speak to her I have been able to feel connected. Just hearing from her nurse how her day was, has fulfilled me in a different way.

Staying away from visions of seeing mom in a the nursing home setting, wearing diapers ,strapped into a  walker or being pushed in a wheelchair is so important for me. When my mind travels down this path I quickly wash away these upsetting images.

I find myself grasping to this memory from a few years ago. On many occasions I would ask mom if she could wish for anything what would it be. She always answered "for my children to be happy and healthy." So as each day comes and goes, if only for a moment, I choose to reflect on her life as a whole person. A woman who has loved me, raised me and inspired me.



My Mom My Hero book is for all the special people in our lives.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0615773982/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&seller=